1 00:00:32,695 --> 00:00:37,766 Right, that concludes this morning's briefing. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 2 00:00:37,767 --> 00:00:40,536 And never forget that in the grand order of life, 3 00:00:40,537 --> 00:00:42,204 There are but two forces- 4 00:00:42,205 --> 00:00:43,905 Those of order... 5 00:00:43,906 --> 00:00:45,407 And those of chaos. 6 00:00:45,408 --> 00:00:47,842 And between them, there lies us, 7 00:00:47,843 --> 00:00:49,744 The thin blue line. 8 00:00:49,745 --> 00:00:52,047 So that's three forces then. 9 00:00:53,483 --> 00:00:55,884 Two forces, constable Goody, as I've explained. 10 00:00:55,885 --> 00:00:57,453 The forces of order and of chaos. 11 00:00:57,454 --> 00:01:00,122 Yes, and us in the middle, the police force. 12 00:01:01,824 --> 00:01:04,025 I think we'd better pick this up again later. 13 00:01:04,026 --> 00:01:06,261 You're all due out on patrol. 14 00:01:06,262 --> 00:01:09,431 Dear, oh dear, Raymond, 15 00:01:09,432 --> 00:01:12,568 Why do you bluebottles bother? 16 00:01:12,569 --> 00:01:14,936 The uniformed constable is obsolete. 17 00:01:14,937 --> 00:01:18,006 Extinct, like the "doo-doo." 18 00:01:21,144 --> 00:01:24,279 Computers, sir. That's where it's all rocking, isn't it, eh? 19 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:25,714 That's right, Kray, 20 00:01:25,715 --> 00:01:28,950 In the shadowy electronic alleyways 21 00:01:28,951 --> 00:01:30,552 Of the internet, 22 00:01:30,553 --> 00:01:32,588 A new type of villain lurks. 23 00:01:32,589 --> 00:01:36,958 Right, how is our investigation into stolen credit cards going? 24 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:38,827 All in the computer, sir. 25 00:01:38,828 --> 00:01:41,363 The way to stop credit cards being stolen 26 00:01:41,364 --> 00:01:43,632 Is for people to take care of their property. 27 00:01:43,633 --> 00:01:47,902 I'd like to meet the man who could get inside my trousers. 28 00:01:47,903 --> 00:01:51,273 What is more, my officers are far from being "doo-doos," 29 00:01:51,274 --> 00:01:53,575 Or indeed, dodos. 30 00:01:53,576 --> 00:01:55,677 They are, in fact, first rate. 31 00:01:55,678 --> 00:01:58,147 Keen of eye, swift of thought 32 00:01:58,148 --> 00:02:01,116 And regular of bowel. 33 00:02:01,117 --> 00:02:03,118 They don't need computers to solve crimes 34 00:02:03,119 --> 00:02:05,420 Because they have brains, Grim. Remember them? 35 00:02:06,422 --> 00:02:08,923 A bobby's best friend 36 00:02:08,924 --> 00:02:10,825 Is his brain. 37 00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:16,398 Well, it's pretty clear- he got in through the window. 38 00:02:16,399 --> 00:02:18,167 Unless, of course, 39 00:02:18,168 --> 00:02:21,470 The window was broken after the villains gained entry. 40 00:02:21,471 --> 00:02:23,539 Broken from within. 41 00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:26,575 - You mean an inside job? - You've got to admit, it would all fit. 42 00:02:26,576 --> 00:02:28,343 What, that he robbed his own flat? 43 00:02:28,344 --> 00:02:30,812 Exactly! Insurance claim, Maggie. 44 00:02:30,813 --> 00:02:32,381 It's a nice little motive. 45 00:02:32,382 --> 00:02:34,416 All the glass is on the inside, Kevin. 46 00:02:34,417 --> 00:02:36,518 Do you reckon that after he smashed it, 47 00:02:36,519 --> 00:02:39,821 He went outside, picked up all the bits and brought them back in? 48 00:02:42,225 --> 00:02:44,092 It's possible. 49 00:02:44,093 --> 00:02:46,361 His fingers are cut up, we've got our man. 50 00:02:46,362 --> 00:02:48,530 - Just... Get your notebook, Kevin? - Yes. 51 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,400 Now then, sir, 52 00:02:51,401 --> 00:02:53,535 - I know you're upset- - whoops! 53 00:02:53,536 --> 00:02:56,738 Kevin! 54 00:02:56,739 --> 00:02:59,774 Could you give us some idea of what's been taken and their value? 55 00:02:59,775 --> 00:03:01,109 "what's been taken"? 56 00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:03,645 My self-respect, 57 00:03:03,646 --> 00:03:05,280 My peace of mind, 58 00:03:05,281 --> 00:03:07,082 My sense of well-being. 59 00:03:07,083 --> 00:03:10,051 Could you describe these items please, sir? 60 00:03:11,987 --> 00:03:14,423 They are beyond value! 61 00:03:14,424 --> 00:03:16,525 Told you- mega insurance claim. 62 00:03:16,526 --> 00:03:18,793 - Shut up! - What are you lot gonna do? 63 00:03:18,794 --> 00:03:21,196 - This has ruined my life! - We'll do our best, sir, 64 00:03:21,197 --> 00:03:23,532 But the clear-up rate for burglaries is so- 65 00:03:23,533 --> 00:03:26,000 I don't know why I even bothered calling you lot out. 66 00:03:26,001 --> 00:03:29,638 You're about as much use as a tin-tack in a jockstrap. 67 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:31,740 Oh. 68 00:03:31,741 --> 00:03:34,876 - Name? - ( slurred ) can't remember. 69 00:03:36,579 --> 00:03:39,248 "Mr. R. Sole." 70 00:03:41,618 --> 00:03:43,852 I mean, the bloke was devastated. 71 00:03:43,853 --> 00:03:45,887 Everything he had had been defiled. 72 00:03:45,888 --> 00:03:48,923 Photos smashed, clothes torn. 73 00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:51,993 They even did a whoopsie in his goldfish bowl. 74 00:03:51,994 --> 00:03:53,995 And there's nothing we can do. 75 00:03:53,996 --> 00:03:55,830 You could fish it out. 76 00:03:57,433 --> 00:03:59,501 You've got to learn to walk away. 77 00:03:59,502 --> 00:04:01,436 There's more to life than being a copper. 78 00:04:01,437 --> 00:04:03,272 I don't know how you can say that. 79 00:04:03,273 --> 00:04:06,475 You're virtually married to the force, going out with inspector Fowler. 80 00:04:06,476 --> 00:04:08,744 He doesn't care about anything but the police. 81 00:04:08,745 --> 00:04:10,746 Oh, I'm sorry, Pat, I didn't mean that- 82 00:04:10,747 --> 00:04:12,581 I know very well what you meant, Maggie, 83 00:04:12,582 --> 00:04:13,848 And you're wrong. 84 00:04:13,849 --> 00:04:16,585 Raymond has a deep and romantic soul. 85 00:04:18,187 --> 00:04:19,788 You know, 86 00:04:19,789 --> 00:04:23,024 I think I've got a slow puncture. 87 00:04:24,727 --> 00:04:27,596 Oh well, another evening spread out on the kitchen table 88 00:04:27,597 --> 00:04:29,631 Wrestling with my inner tube. 89 00:04:31,367 --> 00:04:33,368 We've been together 10 years, Maggie. 90 00:04:33,369 --> 00:04:35,404 It can't all be candlelit dinner, 91 00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:38,740 Jars of vaseline and double-jointed sexual gymnastics. 92 00:04:38,741 --> 00:04:41,376 My turn to cook tonight, I think, darling. 93 00:04:41,377 --> 00:04:44,012 I thought I might make rissoles. 94 00:04:45,648 --> 00:04:48,784 Actually, tomorrow's the 10th anniversary of our relationship. 95 00:04:48,785 --> 00:04:51,186 I'm going to surprise him with a special breakfast. 96 00:04:51,187 --> 00:04:54,189 Or perhaps a nice bit of bloater. 97 00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:59,661 Wake up, Raymond. Breakfast. 98 00:04:59,662 --> 00:05:01,730 What? Oh! 99 00:05:01,731 --> 00:05:05,200 Bless my twinkling stars, Patricia. 100 00:05:05,201 --> 00:05:06,301 What is all this? 101 00:05:06,302 --> 00:05:09,304 Oh, well, well. Coffee, toast... 102 00:05:09,305 --> 00:05:11,340 Or something which at some point 103 00:05:11,341 --> 00:05:14,209 Has certainly been toast. 104 00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:17,312 And scrambled egg, if I'm not mistaken. 105 00:05:17,313 --> 00:05:20,782 You are. I'm afraid it's a waffle. 106 00:05:22,752 --> 00:05:24,486 Oh dear. 107 00:05:24,487 --> 00:05:26,655 People worry too much about how food looks. 108 00:05:26,656 --> 00:05:29,157 What's it gonna look like after it's worked its way 109 00:05:29,158 --> 00:05:31,326 Through 28 feet of small intestine? 110 00:05:35,698 --> 00:05:37,232 Well, quite. 111 00:05:39,201 --> 00:05:42,337 Mmm. Perhaps a smidgeon too much salt- 112 00:05:42,338 --> 00:05:45,206 - There isn't any salt in it. - I'm afraid there is. 113 00:05:45,207 --> 00:05:48,643 In that case I put sugar on your bacon and eggs. 114 00:05:48,644 --> 00:05:52,381 It's those habitat serving jars I put everything in. 115 00:05:52,382 --> 00:05:55,083 You can't tell one thing from another. 116 00:05:55,084 --> 00:05:58,086 I can never force much down in the morning anyway, 117 00:05:58,087 --> 00:06:00,188 Except, perhaps, a cup of coffee. 118 00:06:00,189 --> 00:06:01,423 It's only instant. 119 00:06:01,424 --> 00:06:04,459 Ugh. 120 00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:07,863 In this case, instant gravy. 121 00:06:11,801 --> 00:06:15,069 Another mix up with the serving jars, I fear, my darling. 122 00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,372 Oh well, never mind. 123 00:06:17,373 --> 00:06:20,375 All in all, it was a very nice... 124 00:06:20,376 --> 00:06:22,977 Uh, thought. 125 00:06:22,978 --> 00:06:25,814 I can't imagine what moved you to such a splendid gesture. 126 00:06:25,815 --> 00:06:28,383 - Can't you? - Umm... 127 00:06:30,453 --> 00:06:32,554 No, no, no, I fear not. 128 00:06:32,555 --> 00:06:34,656 But- but it's much appreciated anyway. 129 00:06:34,657 --> 00:06:36,425 Now I really must rush. 130 00:06:36,426 --> 00:06:39,327 I have a small gift item to pick up before work. 131 00:06:39,328 --> 00:06:41,897 Oh peachy, you did remember. 132 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,568 Of course I remembered, cabbage. 133 00:06:48,838 --> 00:06:50,906 I always remember the important things. 134 00:06:52,975 --> 00:06:55,043 Cutting edge of technology. 135 00:06:55,044 --> 00:06:56,912 Cutting edge of fannying about. 136 00:06:56,913 --> 00:06:59,548 What's wrong with a biro that's what I say. 137 00:06:59,549 --> 00:07:01,816 I've booted up and I've patched in. 138 00:07:01,817 --> 00:07:04,118 I'm online, offline, downloaded 139 00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:06,120 And extremely cheesed off. 140 00:07:07,757 --> 00:07:11,059 You need to integrate your power supply at source, sir. 141 00:07:11,060 --> 00:07:12,928 What? 142 00:07:12,929 --> 00:07:14,796 Plug it in. 143 00:07:17,366 --> 00:07:20,569 And so, to the topic of the day, which is pickpocketing. 144 00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:23,471 Oh, by the way, I'll just leave the collecting tin 145 00:07:23,472 --> 00:07:26,007 For the queen's birthday present here, shall I? 146 00:07:26,008 --> 00:07:29,410 About £3 apiece should cover it. 147 00:07:29,411 --> 00:07:31,312 Excuse me, sir. I didn't quite catch that. 148 00:07:31,313 --> 00:07:33,214 The collecting tin... 149 00:07:33,215 --> 00:07:35,183 For the queen's official birthday... 150 00:07:35,184 --> 00:07:36,952 Which is next week. 151 00:07:36,953 --> 00:07:38,787 But of course, you all knew that. 152 00:07:38,788 --> 00:07:42,791 We are members of her majesty's police force. 153 00:07:42,792 --> 00:07:45,660 The queen is, in effect, our boss. 154 00:07:45,661 --> 00:07:49,363 And compared to many bosses, she is a model employer. 155 00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:54,869 She does not attempt to kiss the secretaries at the christmas party... 156 00:07:56,238 --> 00:07:59,507 She does not insist on having the best coffee mug, 157 00:07:59,508 --> 00:08:02,611 Or hogging all the chocolate hobnobs. 158 00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,879 She's had a pretty rotten time of it of late. 159 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,315 It'd be a nice thing to show her she's appreciated. 160 00:08:07,316 --> 00:08:10,284 Personally I think celebrating birthdays at work 161 00:08:10,285 --> 00:08:11,886 Is a bad idea. 162 00:08:11,887 --> 00:08:13,788 Yes, well, on this occasion- 163 00:08:13,789 --> 00:08:16,190 I mean that awful business of going for a curry 164 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:18,627 With people you either don't know or don't like. 165 00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:23,364 - Yes, yes, well- - and there is nothing to do but drink. 166 00:08:23,365 --> 00:08:26,668 So before you know it, you're doing the old elephant impression. 167 00:08:26,669 --> 00:08:29,570 And everyone else in the restaurant hates you 168 00:08:29,571 --> 00:08:32,707 Because quite frankly, they couldn't give a flying hoo-ha 169 00:08:32,708 --> 00:08:35,076 Whether the birthday girl lives or dies. 170 00:08:35,077 --> 00:08:37,378 Yes, well, I wasn't really thinking 171 00:08:37,379 --> 00:08:40,448 Of taking her majesty for a curry. 172 00:08:42,018 --> 00:08:44,552 What's your elephant impression, Frank? 173 00:08:44,553 --> 00:08:47,255 You pull your trousers pockets inside out, you see? 174 00:08:47,256 --> 00:08:48,356 And then you unzip- 175 00:08:48,357 --> 00:08:50,358 Thank you, Gladstone. 176 00:08:52,028 --> 00:08:54,362 I have, in fact, already taken the liberty 177 00:08:54,363 --> 00:08:56,497 Of purchasing her a gift- 178 00:08:56,498 --> 00:08:59,433 A small porcelain figurine... 179 00:09:00,469 --> 00:09:02,871 Of a young lad fishing. 180 00:09:06,108 --> 00:09:09,077 The collecting tin is there, as I say. It's very much up to you. 181 00:09:09,078 --> 00:09:12,080 I don't want to buy the queen a present, sir. 182 00:09:12,081 --> 00:09:14,315 She's an anti-christ. 183 00:09:17,953 --> 00:09:20,021 I beg your pardon?! 184 00:09:21,924 --> 00:09:24,258 Oh no, I mean anarchist. 185 00:09:25,995 --> 00:09:28,697 No, no, what's that word for someone who's out of date 186 00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:30,765 And doesn't matter anymore? 187 00:09:30,766 --> 00:09:34,069 - You mean an anachronism. - That's right. The queen's an anachronism. 188 00:09:34,070 --> 00:09:36,938 I thought that was someone who was scared of spiders? 189 00:09:36,939 --> 00:09:39,373 No, no, that's an arachnophobic. 190 00:09:39,374 --> 00:09:42,677 I thought that was a person who was scared of wide-open spaces. 191 00:09:42,678 --> 00:09:47,115 No, that's agoraphobics. They can't handle going outside. Arachnophobics hate spiders. 192 00:09:47,116 --> 00:09:49,150 Look, we're talking about the queen. 193 00:09:49,151 --> 00:09:52,453 Is the queen scared of spiders? 194 00:09:52,454 --> 00:09:55,957 You wouldn't have thought so, but it's beginning to look that way. 195 00:09:55,958 --> 00:09:59,393 Perhaps that's why she's scared to go outside, sir. 196 00:10:01,563 --> 00:10:03,064 Can you spare Habib a moment? 197 00:10:03,065 --> 00:10:05,867 Yes, of course. Carry on, constable. 198 00:10:07,703 --> 00:10:08,937 Thank you, darling. 199 00:10:08,938 --> 00:10:12,173 Not darling. Inspector darling. 200 00:10:12,174 --> 00:10:14,542 No, sorry. Sorry. 201 00:10:14,543 --> 00:10:17,678 Sorry, I'm just so happy, so excited. 202 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:20,581 Will you give it me after work? 203 00:10:23,252 --> 00:10:24,919 Uh... 204 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,321 Possibly, I don't know. 205 00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:29,523 No, no, don't spoil it. 206 00:10:29,524 --> 00:10:32,660 I only get one once a year, and I want it to be a surprise. 207 00:10:41,470 --> 00:10:44,739 No, sir, I'm afraid we haven't made any progress at all. 208 00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:47,876 - I'm very sorry. - People don't matter anymore, do they? 209 00:10:47,877 --> 00:10:49,944 I didn't matter to the bloke who robbed me, 210 00:10:49,945 --> 00:10:51,846 And I don't matter to you. 211 00:10:51,847 --> 00:10:54,783 Sir, please. 212 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,184 We really are trying. 213 00:10:56,185 --> 00:10:59,054 So, pickpocketing- 214 00:10:59,055 --> 00:11:01,022 Come on, come on, come on. 215 00:11:02,158 --> 00:11:03,825 - A crime which has traditionally 216 00:11:03,826 --> 00:11:05,994 Been looked upon with some indulgence. 217 00:11:05,995 --> 00:11:08,496 We have all seen the musical "Oliver" 218 00:11:08,497 --> 00:11:10,531 And are familiar with the images 219 00:11:10,532 --> 00:11:14,268 Of jolly, apple-cheeked urchins in big hats. 220 00:11:15,504 --> 00:11:17,739 Well, dispel this cozy impression. 221 00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:21,876 The artful dodger was a thief, 222 00:11:21,877 --> 00:11:25,914 And I don't think he'd have considered himself quite so "at home..." 223 00:11:27,282 --> 00:11:29,250 In a juvenile detention center, 224 00:11:29,251 --> 00:11:31,352 Which is where I'd have put him. 225 00:11:31,353 --> 00:11:32,987 Thieving is thieving, 226 00:11:32,988 --> 00:11:34,655 And no amount of "oom-pah-pah" 227 00:11:34,656 --> 00:11:36,758 Or "boom-titty-titty" will change that. 228 00:11:38,094 --> 00:11:41,429 An englishman's pockets are his castle. 229 00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:43,631 More like his pocket billiards room. ( chuckles ) 230 00:11:43,632 --> 00:11:45,533 Detective constable Kray, 231 00:11:45,534 --> 00:11:47,936 There is a place for fatuous, flippant, 232 00:11:47,937 --> 00:11:50,071 Would-be humorous inanities, 233 00:11:50,072 --> 00:11:53,507 And that place is on "Noel's house party"... 234 00:11:55,978 --> 00:11:57,712 Not in a police station. 235 00:11:57,713 --> 00:12:00,348 Yes, sir. 236 00:12:00,349 --> 00:12:03,384 Right, so let's see how it's done. Step forward, constable Goody. 237 00:12:05,788 --> 00:12:09,290 Walk towards me. 238 00:12:09,291 --> 00:12:12,260 - Oops, I do beg your pardon. - It's quite all right, sir. 239 00:12:12,261 --> 00:12:14,495 Not all right for you, I fear, Goody, 240 00:12:14,496 --> 00:12:17,498 Because I have relieved you of the contents of your pocket. 241 00:12:17,499 --> 00:12:22,603 In this case... A Mars bar. 242 00:12:22,604 --> 00:12:25,807 Constable Goody, a Mars bars is scarcely police equipment, is it? 243 00:12:27,509 --> 00:12:30,311 - No, sir. - "no, sir," indeed, sir. 244 00:12:30,312 --> 00:12:32,647 Are there any other items of confectionary 245 00:12:32,648 --> 00:12:34,382 Secreted about your person? 246 00:12:37,219 --> 00:12:38,887 No, sir. 247 00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,522 And by that you mean...? 248 00:12:43,358 --> 00:12:45,726 I've got a Curly Wurly in my truncheon pouch. 249 00:12:48,230 --> 00:12:50,131 In that case, get it out before it melts 250 00:12:50,132 --> 00:12:52,533 And soils the queen's trousers. 251 00:12:52,534 --> 00:12:56,171 It's not going to melt, is it? It's going to get eaten. 252 00:12:56,172 --> 00:12:58,039 Great jangling jehovah, it is not! 253 00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,808 I've never heard of such a thing. 254 00:12:59,809 --> 00:13:02,043 I will not have my officers gorging themselves 255 00:13:02,044 --> 00:13:04,312 Whilst on duty. Hand it over. 256 00:13:04,313 --> 00:13:06,948 Now sit down. 257 00:13:08,450 --> 00:13:12,553 Now let's see if any of you can pick my pocket. 258 00:13:16,425 --> 00:13:19,593 You're not gonna do the elephant impression, are you? 259 00:13:23,699 --> 00:13:25,232 I couldn't believe it! 260 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:27,869 Making me fish my Curly Wurly out of my trousers. 261 00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:30,304 He's going potty. He is, you know? 262 00:13:30,305 --> 00:13:33,974 Fancy rushing out before work to buy a present for the queen. 263 00:13:33,975 --> 00:13:36,210 I bet she never gets him anything. 264 00:13:38,113 --> 00:13:40,281 I'm trying to trace missing credit cards. 265 00:13:40,282 --> 00:13:42,884 The bills are being done with stolen credit cards. 266 00:13:42,885 --> 00:13:46,687 Yeah, yeah, pepperoni... 267 00:13:46,688 --> 00:13:49,891 Anchovies, spicy sausage and chili. 268 00:13:49,892 --> 00:13:52,026 Constable Kray, this is a bleeding nick, 269 00:13:52,027 --> 00:13:53,528 Not a bleeding cafeteria. 270 00:13:53,529 --> 00:13:56,531 - Nothing for you then, sir? - No, nothing for me. 271 00:13:56,532 --> 00:13:59,967 Just a bit of cheesecake and a can of diet lilt. 272 00:14:01,336 --> 00:14:03,003 ( banging ) 273 00:14:04,205 --> 00:14:05,973 Oh, come on, Kevin, 274 00:14:05,974 --> 00:14:08,409 You've been going on about this all morning. 275 00:14:08,410 --> 00:14:10,077 He only pinched your Mars bar. 276 00:14:10,078 --> 00:14:13,247 - It was for her. - What? 277 00:14:13,248 --> 00:14:15,750 That Mars bar was for the most beautiful, 278 00:14:15,751 --> 00:14:19,219 The most gorgeous woman who ever walked the earth. 279 00:14:19,220 --> 00:14:22,389 You bought Gloria Hunniford a Mars bar? 280 00:14:24,693 --> 00:14:27,394 Constable Habib! I bought constable Habib a Mars bar! 281 00:14:27,395 --> 00:14:29,697 She likes Mars bars. I saw her eating one once. 282 00:14:29,698 --> 00:14:32,299 I've seen her eating sausage, egg, chips and beans. 283 00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:35,436 That doesn't mean if you buy her a fry up you'll get your leg over. 284 00:14:37,105 --> 00:14:39,373 No, no, Maggie Habib's not a little girl. 285 00:14:39,374 --> 00:14:41,308 You can't win her with sweets. 286 00:14:41,309 --> 00:14:43,277 She's a woman, 287 00:14:43,278 --> 00:14:45,412 And if you want to impress a woman, 288 00:14:45,413 --> 00:14:47,247 You have to act like a man. 289 00:14:47,248 --> 00:14:49,917 - Act like a man. - That's right, sir. 290 00:14:49,918 --> 00:14:52,086 She won't take any notice of you 291 00:14:52,087 --> 00:14:54,254 Unless you are firm. 292 00:14:54,255 --> 00:14:57,825 That's how I treated my wife- firm. 293 00:14:57,826 --> 00:14:59,460 Mm-hmm! 294 00:14:59,461 --> 00:15:00,895 One day I said to her, 295 00:15:00,896 --> 00:15:03,731 "if I feel like stopping out drinking, I will. 296 00:15:03,732 --> 00:15:07,167 And what's more, I expect my dinner on the table when I get home." 297 00:15:07,168 --> 00:15:08,469 She took notice of that? 298 00:15:08,470 --> 00:15:11,138 I don't know. I never saw her again. 299 00:15:15,010 --> 00:15:17,244 Engaged again. 300 00:15:17,245 --> 00:15:19,346 What's the point of belonging 301 00:15:19,347 --> 00:15:23,317 To the "emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline" 302 00:15:23,318 --> 00:15:26,420 If whenever you ring them they're engaged? 303 00:15:28,724 --> 00:15:31,659 Raymond, have you bought a birthday present for the queen? 304 00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:33,861 Yes. Is there a problem? 305 00:15:33,862 --> 00:15:35,696 When did you last buy me a present?! 306 00:15:35,697 --> 00:15:38,065 Why, on your last birthday, I believe. 307 00:15:38,066 --> 00:15:41,736 A set of reversible spanners is not a present! 308 00:15:41,737 --> 00:15:45,072 It is a coded request to get a smack in the mouth! 309 00:15:45,073 --> 00:15:46,941 You idiot, Raymond! 310 00:15:46,942 --> 00:15:50,678 Police stations don't send loyal greetings to the monarch anymore! 311 00:15:50,679 --> 00:15:53,313 The queen and her whole family have become a joke. 312 00:15:53,314 --> 00:15:55,516 You've only got to read the papers. 313 00:15:55,517 --> 00:15:58,452 Get on with your work, constable. 314 00:15:58,453 --> 00:16:00,421 I do not read the papers, Patricia. 315 00:16:00,422 --> 00:16:02,657 Therefore I do not suffer from the illusion 316 00:16:02,658 --> 00:16:05,159 That rumor, innuendo and downright cheek 317 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,761 Constitute news. 318 00:16:06,762 --> 00:16:09,296 If you want to read something, then read a book. 319 00:16:09,297 --> 00:16:12,667 For there is more that is true and relevant in one page 320 00:16:12,668 --> 00:16:16,671 Of Scott or Thackeray than in every newspaper ever printed! 321 00:16:16,672 --> 00:16:19,373 You haven't read any Walter Scott in years. 322 00:16:19,374 --> 00:16:21,208 Nor any flippin' Thackeray. 323 00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:23,177 You read Biggles books! 324 00:16:23,178 --> 00:16:26,981 And you make slurping noises in your cocoa while you do it! 325 00:16:36,458 --> 00:16:39,460 - Is that true, sir? - Well, I don't know. 326 00:16:39,461 --> 00:16:42,763 Perhaps the tiniest gurgle. 327 00:16:42,764 --> 00:16:44,599 No, I mean do you still read Biggles? 328 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,968 That's what my little brother's reading at the moment. 329 00:16:46,969 --> 00:16:49,971 He could do a very great deal worse. 330 00:16:49,972 --> 00:16:54,308 Because even Biggles has much to tell us that is true 331 00:16:54,309 --> 00:16:56,911 About loyalty, courage, 332 00:16:56,912 --> 00:16:58,846 - Honor- - gay love. 333 00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:00,648 Yes. 334 00:17:02,751 --> 00:17:05,152 - I beg your pardon? - Well, of course, sir. 335 00:17:05,153 --> 00:17:08,122 Biggles and Ginger are lovers. It's absolutely obvious. 336 00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:10,190 I think it's great the way 337 00:17:10,191 --> 00:17:13,193 They make such a positive image of a homosexual partnership. 338 00:17:18,366 --> 00:17:21,401 Biggles and Ginger 339 00:17:21,402 --> 00:17:25,039 Are comrades, constable Habib. 340 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,742 Comrades in arms. 341 00:17:27,743 --> 00:17:29,576 Exactly. 342 00:17:29,577 --> 00:17:31,746 I am stunned, constable Habib. 343 00:17:31,747 --> 00:17:33,981 Absolutely stunned. And indeed distressed 344 00:17:33,982 --> 00:17:35,850 That you choose to apply such a crass 345 00:17:35,851 --> 00:17:38,152 And puerile sexual connotation 346 00:17:38,153 --> 00:17:40,154 To innocent adventure yarns. 347 00:17:40,155 --> 00:17:43,057 Come on, sir, they're grown men. They must have a sexual life, 348 00:17:43,058 --> 00:17:44,959 But neither of them ever mention women. 349 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,028 They bunk together, breakfast together. 350 00:17:47,029 --> 00:17:49,630 Biggles is always squeezing himself into Ginger's- 351 00:17:49,631 --> 00:17:52,099 - Cockpit. - Sopwith camel. 352 00:17:53,101 --> 00:17:54,535 It's obvious. 353 00:17:54,536 --> 00:17:57,237 It's the same with Sherlock Holmes and dr. Watson. 354 00:17:59,775 --> 00:18:02,009 Two blokes sharing a flat. 355 00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:04,145 Sometimes it's months between cases. 356 00:18:04,146 --> 00:18:06,413 What do they get up to in the meantime? 357 00:18:07,883 --> 00:18:10,051 They chat! 358 00:18:11,486 --> 00:18:13,754 They smoke their pipes! 359 00:18:13,755 --> 00:18:16,423 They poke the fire! 360 00:18:16,424 --> 00:18:19,694 ( chuckles ) 361 00:18:19,695 --> 00:18:23,130 Look, sir, if Holmes and Watson are lovers, so what? 362 00:18:23,131 --> 00:18:25,032 Is there anything wrong with that? 363 00:18:25,033 --> 00:18:26,734 Yes, constable, there is. 364 00:18:26,735 --> 00:18:30,337 Because sex plays no part in these stories whatsoever, 365 00:18:30,338 --> 00:18:32,239 Hetero or otherwise. 366 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:36,210 The point of Biggles and of Sherlock Holmes 367 00:18:36,211 --> 00:18:38,879 Is to solve crimes and kill Germans. 368 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,348 And by heavens, that should be enough for any man. 369 00:18:47,989 --> 00:18:51,025 I'm taking up a collection for the queen's birthday present. 370 00:18:51,026 --> 00:18:53,861 Look, Raymond, you may have time for fannying about 371 00:18:53,862 --> 00:18:55,863 With presents and Biggles; 372 00:18:55,864 --> 00:18:59,734 Me and my officers are up to our necks in important detective work. 373 00:18:59,735 --> 00:19:01,969 My officers and I. 374 00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:05,139 - What about them? - Nothing about them. 375 00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:07,274 I'm simply informing you that the phrase is, 376 00:19:07,275 --> 00:19:09,443 "my officers and I," not "me and my officers." 377 00:19:11,179 --> 00:19:15,149 Is that so?! Well, me and my officers 378 00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:18,052 Are on the brink of tracking down a bank-raid gang 379 00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:19,954 Via credit card transactions 380 00:19:19,955 --> 00:19:21,956 Which is, I think, a bit more important 381 00:19:21,957 --> 00:19:25,192 Than fannying about and speaking hoity-toity. 382 00:19:25,193 --> 00:19:28,495 The rules of grammar, hoity-toity or otherwise, 383 00:19:28,496 --> 00:19:31,265 Are there so that meaningful sentences can be formed 384 00:19:31,266 --> 00:19:33,634 And more importantly, generally understood. 385 00:19:33,635 --> 00:19:35,970 Start stringing words together willy-nilly 386 00:19:35,971 --> 00:19:37,905 And it could lead to no end of confusion. 387 00:19:37,906 --> 00:19:40,540 Constable Kray, lend me your notebook. Look here- 388 00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:43,377 "the criminal ran round my side and out the back 389 00:19:43,378 --> 00:19:45,846 At a colossal lick." 390 00:19:45,847 --> 00:19:48,382 Jumble up the words and suddenly you have, 391 00:19:48,383 --> 00:19:52,887 "the criminal licked out my colossal round backside and ran." 392 00:19:54,156 --> 00:19:55,489 Is that so?! 393 00:19:55,490 --> 00:19:58,893 Well, try these words in a different order! 394 00:19:58,894 --> 00:20:01,128 "bugger" and "off!" 395 00:20:01,129 --> 00:20:04,231 I mean, "off" and "bugger!" 396 00:20:04,232 --> 00:20:05,800 Damn! 397 00:20:10,773 --> 00:20:12,473 Now remember what I said, Kevin. 398 00:20:12,474 --> 00:20:14,676 Act like a man- be firm, be masterful. 399 00:20:14,677 --> 00:20:16,878 So basically, just be myself. 400 00:20:18,147 --> 00:20:19,446 No. 401 00:20:22,051 --> 00:20:25,419 Hey, you! Jaywalking is a crime. 402 00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:28,656 Get back on the pavement. Get back on the pavement, please. 403 00:20:28,657 --> 00:20:30,858 Goody, would you mind telling me what- 404 00:20:30,859 --> 00:20:32,860 Hang on a minute. Pickpocket. 405 00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:35,329 Not this time, punk! 406 00:20:41,904 --> 00:20:44,572 Crime's a disease. Meet the cure. 407 00:20:44,573 --> 00:20:48,176 That's my grandson. He's helping me carry my shopping. 408 00:20:48,177 --> 00:20:50,244 He squashed my plums, gran. 409 00:20:51,313 --> 00:20:52,847 Don't be silly, love. 410 00:20:52,848 --> 00:20:55,449 I didn't buy any plums. 411 00:20:57,986 --> 00:20:59,887 At last. Hello? 412 00:20:59,888 --> 00:21:03,057 Is that the "emergency lost credit card instant speedy hotline"? 413 00:21:04,059 --> 00:21:05,927 Yes, I can hold. 414 00:21:09,564 --> 00:21:14,035 Hello? Yes. Yes, I'd like to report the loss of my credit cards. 415 00:21:14,036 --> 00:21:17,171 First, however, I should like to point out that the words 416 00:21:17,172 --> 00:21:19,473 "emergency," "instant," 417 00:21:19,474 --> 00:21:22,576 And "speedy" have no place in your company title. 418 00:21:23,578 --> 00:21:25,546 "infuriating," yes. 419 00:21:25,547 --> 00:21:26,881 "tawdry," certainly. 420 00:21:26,882 --> 00:21:29,583 "absolutely blinking outrageous," oh, I think so. 421 00:21:29,584 --> 00:21:31,552 No, madam, I will not accept your apology 422 00:21:31,553 --> 00:21:33,621 Because I do not believe that you mean it. 423 00:21:33,622 --> 00:21:36,023 I believe that you are indifferent to the fact 424 00:21:36,024 --> 00:21:39,360 That I've just had to listen to "the Mull of Kintyre" seven times. 425 00:21:40,695 --> 00:21:42,897 - ( dial tone ) - hello? 426 00:21:42,898 --> 00:21:44,966 Hello? 427 00:21:44,967 --> 00:21:46,567 - ( beeping ) - sir? 428 00:21:46,568 --> 00:21:49,270 - Yes? - I've traced that missing credit card. 429 00:21:49,271 --> 00:21:52,073 - ( laughs ) - You're gonna love this. 430 00:21:52,074 --> 00:21:54,341 ( laughs ) 431 00:21:54,342 --> 00:21:55,843 Oh yes. 432 00:21:55,844 --> 00:21:59,647 Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. 433 00:21:59,648 --> 00:22:01,783 Oh yes, oh yes... 434 00:22:01,784 --> 00:22:03,184 - Oh yes, Kray! - Aah! 435 00:22:03,185 --> 00:22:06,020 That was the worst beat I have ever been on. 436 00:22:06,021 --> 00:22:08,823 It was like being on patrol with a flippin' two-year-old. 437 00:22:08,824 --> 00:22:10,591 Look... 438 00:22:10,592 --> 00:22:13,995 He was a funny looking old bloke hanging around at a school gate. 439 00:22:13,996 --> 00:22:19,200 - I had to collar him. - Kevin, he was a lollipop man. 440 00:22:19,201 --> 00:22:22,003 Just keep out of my way for a while, okay? 441 00:22:23,571 --> 00:22:26,240 That's it. I'm just wasting my time. 442 00:22:26,241 --> 00:22:29,376 I think I'm gonna pack it in. I'm gonna leave the force. 443 00:22:29,377 --> 00:22:32,746 I just had a call from the fire brigade. They're in the high street. 444 00:22:32,747 --> 00:22:35,016 A man is threatening suicide from a tall building. 445 00:22:35,017 --> 00:22:36,784 I'm going to attend the scene myself. 446 00:22:36,785 --> 00:22:39,453 That'll make him jump, if nothing else does. 447 00:22:39,454 --> 00:22:42,356 Constable Habib, I may require a woman officer. 448 00:22:42,357 --> 00:22:44,859 - Kindly come with me. - Yes, sir. 449 00:22:46,494 --> 00:22:48,196 ( sighs ) 450 00:22:48,197 --> 00:22:50,097 I reckon she hates me now. 451 00:22:50,098 --> 00:22:52,700 I reckon she thinks I'm a prannet. 452 00:22:52,701 --> 00:22:54,468 Oh yeah? How'd you work that out? 453 00:22:54,469 --> 00:22:56,003 It was something she said. 454 00:22:56,004 --> 00:22:58,906 She said, "I hate you, Kevin, I think you're a prannet." 455 00:22:58,907 --> 00:23:00,674 Look, 456 00:23:00,675 --> 00:23:02,643 You got to grovel a bit, ain't you, eh? 457 00:23:02,644 --> 00:23:05,246 The birds love it. You gotta say, "listen, doll, 458 00:23:05,247 --> 00:23:06,981 I was a real pillock." 459 00:23:06,982 --> 00:23:08,916 A bucket of champagne, and the chockies, 460 00:23:08,917 --> 00:23:10,651 And steam in for the bunk-up. 461 00:23:10,652 --> 00:23:13,654 Right. Champagne, and chocolates. 462 00:23:13,655 --> 00:23:15,923 Yeah, it gets them every time, doesn't it? 463 00:23:15,924 --> 00:23:18,826 The drawer dropper, the knicker stripper. 464 00:23:21,964 --> 00:23:25,766 Excuse me, sir, would you mind coming in off this ledge? 465 00:23:25,767 --> 00:23:29,270 Oh! Oh, you care about me now, do you? 466 00:23:29,271 --> 00:23:32,240 Nobody respects me, nobody cares about me. 467 00:23:32,241 --> 00:23:34,508 I'm a nothing, a nobody, 468 00:23:34,509 --> 00:23:37,378 Friendless and alone. 469 00:23:37,379 --> 00:23:41,182 But the same thing could be said about the prime minister... 470 00:23:42,217 --> 00:23:44,685 And he leads a full and active life. 471 00:23:44,686 --> 00:23:48,422 Give me one good reason not to jump! 472 00:23:48,423 --> 00:23:49,757 All right, I will. 473 00:23:51,093 --> 00:23:53,727 That is a public pavement down there. 474 00:23:53,728 --> 00:23:56,297 Others have to use that pavement, 475 00:23:56,298 --> 00:24:00,101 And they should not be required to circumnavigate your pureed person 476 00:24:00,102 --> 00:24:01,869 In order to do so. 477 00:24:01,870 --> 00:24:03,437 May I speak to him, sir? 478 00:24:03,438 --> 00:24:07,341 Oh, very well, I seem to have exhausted my powers of persuasion. 479 00:24:09,311 --> 00:24:10,744 Remember me? 480 00:24:10,745 --> 00:24:12,646 You say nobody cares about you. 481 00:24:12,647 --> 00:24:13,915 That's a lie. 482 00:24:13,916 --> 00:24:16,150 I decided to leave the police today... 483 00:24:16,151 --> 00:24:17,651 Because of you 484 00:24:17,652 --> 00:24:19,686 And how we could do nothing to help. 485 00:24:19,687 --> 00:24:21,122 Is that true? 486 00:24:21,123 --> 00:24:24,258 - Yes, constable Habib, is that true? - It was true. 487 00:24:24,259 --> 00:24:27,128 But I can see now it would just be running away. 488 00:24:27,129 --> 00:24:28,829 Just like you're running away now. 489 00:24:28,830 --> 00:24:32,366 The bloke who did your house over isn't going to make me run. 490 00:24:32,367 --> 00:24:35,169 And you shouldn't let him make you, either. 491 00:24:35,170 --> 00:24:38,839 He took your video, but he can't take your spirit. 492 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,342 You have to give that away yourself. 493 00:24:43,946 --> 00:24:46,213 For god's sake, man, what are you waiting for? 494 00:24:46,214 --> 00:24:48,916 I've never heard anything so well put in my entire life. 495 00:24:48,917 --> 00:24:50,884 Come on in off that ledge this instant. 496 00:24:54,155 --> 00:24:56,924 I was extremely proud of you today, constable Habib. 497 00:24:56,925 --> 00:25:00,060 It wasn't your fault the silly fool jumped. 498 00:25:02,497 --> 00:25:04,398 Inspector Fowler, 499 00:25:04,399 --> 00:25:05,966 You are under arrest. 500 00:25:05,967 --> 00:25:08,969 I beg your pardon, inspector Grim? 501 00:25:08,970 --> 00:25:10,438 A credit card belonging to you 502 00:25:10,439 --> 00:25:12,172 Has been used to hire a car 503 00:25:12,173 --> 00:25:14,875 Which was subsequently deployed in a drug deal. 504 00:25:14,876 --> 00:25:18,813 You know damn well that my pocket was picked. My credit cards were taken. 505 00:25:18,814 --> 00:25:22,383 Is that so? It hasn't been reported stolen, has it, Kray? 506 00:25:22,384 --> 00:25:26,787 No, sir. When did you discover the loss of this credit card? 507 00:25:26,788 --> 00:25:28,823 This morning, at the briefing! 508 00:25:28,824 --> 00:25:32,259 And yet you still haven't reported it eight hours later? 509 00:25:32,260 --> 00:25:34,595 I've been trying! They were engaged- 510 00:25:34,596 --> 00:25:36,464 ( laughing ) 511 00:25:37,499 --> 00:25:39,967 How's it feel to have someone being 512 00:25:39,968 --> 00:25:44,472 A bit clever and hoity-toity with you for a change, Raymond? 513 00:25:44,473 --> 00:25:47,708 We got the bloke who nicked your card and the drugs. 514 00:25:47,709 --> 00:25:51,111 It's gonna look pretty amusing when it comes up on your statement- 515 00:25:51,112 --> 00:25:54,248 A stolen car plus half a pound of heroin. 516 00:25:54,249 --> 00:25:55,949 ( laughing ) 517 00:25:55,950 --> 00:25:58,318 You be a bit more careful in future. 518 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,321 Yes, thank you, Derek, I will. 519 00:26:01,322 --> 00:26:04,224 Inspector Grim, there's been another burglary. 520 00:26:04,225 --> 00:26:05,793 Sergeant Dawkins, 521 00:26:05,794 --> 00:26:08,896 How often do I have to tell you I'm a detective inspector? 522 00:26:08,897 --> 00:26:12,666 I don't bother with burglaries. Get uniform to go. 523 00:26:12,667 --> 00:26:14,201 All right. Constable Habib, 524 00:26:14,202 --> 00:26:16,437 Inspector Grim's house has just been burgled. 525 00:26:16,438 --> 00:26:19,540 Come on, let's go, go, go! 526 00:26:19,541 --> 00:26:23,243 Wonder if he'll lose his self-esteem and try and kill himself? 527 00:26:23,244 --> 00:26:25,446 He will when he realizes it was a hoax. 528 00:26:25,447 --> 00:26:29,116 Do you know, sometimes I just can't read my own handwriting. 529 00:26:29,117 --> 00:26:31,619 That was extremely wrong of you, Patricia. 530 00:26:31,620 --> 00:26:34,488 But he was probably going home anyway. 531 00:26:35,924 --> 00:26:37,625 - Thank you. - Stuff it. 532 00:26:39,728 --> 00:26:42,530 I'm afraid sergeant Dawkins isn't very pleased with you. 533 00:26:42,531 --> 00:26:45,132 The 10th anniversary of our relationship 534 00:26:45,133 --> 00:26:47,267 And you didn't get me anything! 535 00:26:47,268 --> 00:26:50,237 I don't know why you set such store by presents anyway, Pat. 536 00:26:50,238 --> 00:26:52,706 Personally, I hate the way a man thinks 537 00:26:52,707 --> 00:26:54,775 When he's acted like a complete berk 538 00:26:54,776 --> 00:26:58,646 He can make it all right with a few chockies and a bottle of champagne. 539 00:26:59,981 --> 00:27:02,883 I'd love a man who bought me chockies and champagne. 540 00:27:02,884 --> 00:27:04,785 Maybe for an anniversary. 541 00:27:04,786 --> 00:27:07,788 But any bloke who thought he could buy my affections like that 542 00:27:07,789 --> 00:27:10,057 - Would get a punch in the mouth! - ( whimpers ) 543 00:27:10,058 --> 00:27:13,727 What do you want, Kevin? And what are you hiding behind your back? 544 00:27:13,728 --> 00:27:15,696 Nothing. 545 00:27:15,697 --> 00:27:18,966 Nothing, that is... 546 00:27:18,967 --> 00:27:20,801 Except the chocolates and champagne 547 00:27:20,802 --> 00:27:22,770 Which I asked you to get for me 548 00:27:22,771 --> 00:27:24,672 While I was out at the suicide attempt. 549 00:27:24,673 --> 00:27:26,607 Isn't that right, Goody? 550 00:27:32,647 --> 00:27:34,648 Hand them over then, laddie. 551 00:27:36,050 --> 00:27:38,285 We can settle up later. 552 00:27:41,556 --> 00:27:45,058 Well, now, cabbage, 553 00:27:45,059 --> 00:27:47,394 I have to confess that I'm more than a little hurt 554 00:27:47,395 --> 00:27:50,063 That you could think I would forget our anniversary. 555 00:27:50,064 --> 00:27:53,300 Perhaps sometimes you forget that I have feelings too. 556 00:27:54,302 --> 00:27:55,903 I'm sorry, peachy. 557 00:27:57,539 --> 00:27:59,640 "to darling Maggie"-- 558 00:28:02,310 --> 00:28:04,812 Spelt with one "g" and a "y." 559 00:28:04,813 --> 00:28:07,347 "sorry about arresting the lollipop man. 560 00:28:07,348 --> 00:28:09,349 Any chance of a bunk-up? Love, Kevin." 561 00:28:20,962 --> 00:28:23,363 Do you think we got away with it, sir? 562 00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:27,001 ( theme music playing )